New Love Affair

Why is it as we journey through life we inadvertently lighten the load, only to find that what we left behind was of great value???  I’m not talking about just old relationships and lost friends, but of ideals and pleasurable pastimes. 

In the days of my youth I loved to ride my bicycle.  I road everywhere and anywhere, sometimes out of necessity, but usually for the pure joy it brought me.   So what changed?  Life and priorities I suppose.  Though to this day I do not know why I would put my health and fitness on the back burner!  Well, in truthfulness the reality of that is youthful ignorance of the consequences associated with the poor lifestyle path I chose to take. Then life just snuck up on me and cycling was the farthest thing from my mind!

In my quest to return to better health and fitness I have thought about cycling again.  My kids were all recently talking about getting bikes and I thought well, maybe I should too.  So I did it!  I bit the bullet and bought myself a bike!  My little blood clot scare certainly has lit the fire under my ba-tootie!!!!   Let me tell you, she’s a beauty, a very delightful blue and she’s shiny and sleek, she’s contemporarily retro and oh so inviting.   Yup, I am definitely in love! 

Sunday I went on my first real bicycle ride in almost 27 years!!! I mounted her saddle and headed out the gate and down the road.  I was flooded with emotions.   Oh the joy to the feel the breeze rushing past me, my hair swishing, my face tingling.  I tilted my head back and closed my eyes for a moment and just took it all in!  I was flying, it was utterly invigorating!  I couldn’t help but to smile.  I thought to myself, “I LOVE MY NEW BIKE! I can do this ALL day!!!” 

But as we all know love has its ups and downs!  Moments later my thighs were burning with searing pain in my quadriceps muscles.  I pushed on for a ways, well, a very short way.  I just could not pedal one more rotation.  I stopped along the road side, thoroughly disappointed that my body would not respond.  Was I that broken that I could only ride a half mile?  How could that be?  I wasn’t short of breath, my heart rate had barely risen, I just had no legs.  Then the tears started, as did the pity party.  I wanted to go around the block, just one time! (Mind you I live in the country and the block I chose was a little over 6 miles)  When I rode the bike at the gym a year or so ago I was going 12-15 miles at a hefty clip and now I could barely go a half mile.  I was so distraught and angry with myself.  I was absolutely, completely, without a doubt disappointed in myself!

After a short rest, I trudged on. The exuberance of riding had vanished.  It hurt, it was hot, it was not so fun.  Now it was about redefining my goal and pushing through the agony of my inefficient and out of shape leg muscles.  So, it was pedal, pedal, pedal, rest, make it to that tree, that irrigation tower…  Oh and then there was this little hilI.  That might as well have been an 11,000 ft mountain!  I did not make it around the block, but I did manage about 4 miles including the mountain in the middle of corn county.

   

Once back home I put Blue away and slowly wobbled up to the house on legs of jello.  As the pain diminished, I once again began to smile and plan my route for tomorrow.  I still LOVE my new bike and I am determined that Blue and I will have a long, HEALTHY and happy relationship!

The Interrogation

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete 

realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving 

everything defined as other than yourself.

---Alan Watts 

That Lady in the Mirror glared at me with disgust the other day.  It was more like revulsion really.  I abruptly jumped back with a startle and then sighed as I knew an altercation was brewing.   Let me tell you it was NOT pleasant!  That Lady was brutally honest to the point of being harsh at times; brought me down to my knees with tears stinging my face.  As I sat all crumbled on the floor, silently sobbing, she interrogated  me on my lack of motivation, my own self half truths—ok ok, lies (yes, I still hear her even now!) and bombarded me with relentless facts of where I am headed if I don’t fully commit and make the changes I know I must! 

There is a harsh realization when one sits down and really contemplates the effects of being obese, especially after a scary emergency room visit, for, of all things, blood clots in your arm!  After the Lady scolded and slapped me back into reality I have totally lost any empathy for my woes.   For me, now, after that horrifying ER jaunt, that self compassion—the ‘oh it hurts, it’s hard, my back, my knees, ick veggies…’ is just yet another string of whiney excuses to make my brain happy and avoid the pain of making the right, the healthy choices that are ALL oh so obvious, but oh so hard!

While I have started making some small changes, I now realize before I can make serious changes I must accept and love myself for who and what I am…the good, the bad and all the ugly!  I also acknowledge that while small changes are good, big changes are what it’s going to take to get me where I need to be, where I want to be. Winning that battle will not be easy, but there are things I can do to ease the pain (and please the Lady in the Mirror).

 

I read a wonderful book a while back, Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson, PhD and Richard Mendius, MD.  It talks about the neuroscience of how our brain functions, yet makes a clear delineation that the mind functions separately, and that to change one, you must change the other (and how to do it).  So what does that have to do with all this?  Well, I’m all about easing the pain of any difficult situation, and facing the reality that I am fluffy hurts!!!!  So, while I do not believe in diet fads and quick fixes I do believe that I can change my brain and my mind and transcend into healthy living again.