The Interrogation

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete 

realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving 

everything defined as other than yourself.

---Alan Watts 

That Lady in the Mirror glared at me with disgust the other day.  It was more like revulsion really.  I abruptly jumped back with a startle and then sighed as I knew an altercation was brewing.   Let me tell you it was NOT pleasant!  That Lady was brutally honest to the point of being harsh at times; brought me down to my knees with tears stinging my face.  As I sat all crumbled on the floor, silently sobbing, she interrogated  me on my lack of motivation, my own self half truths—ok ok, lies (yes, I still hear her even now!) and bombarded me with relentless facts of where I am headed if I don’t fully commit and make the changes I know I must! 

There is a harsh realization when one sits down and really contemplates the effects of being obese, especially after a scary emergency room visit, for, of all things, blood clots in your arm!  After the Lady scolded and slapped me back into reality I have totally lost any empathy for my woes.   For me, now, after that horrifying ER jaunt, that self compassion—the ‘oh it hurts, it’s hard, my back, my knees, ick veggies…’ is just yet another string of whiney excuses to make my brain happy and avoid the pain of making the right, the healthy choices that are ALL oh so obvious, but oh so hard!

While I have started making some small changes, I now realize before I can make serious changes I must accept and love myself for who and what I am…the good, the bad and all the ugly!  I also acknowledge that while small changes are good, big changes are what it’s going to take to get me where I need to be, where I want to be. Winning that battle will not be easy, but there are things I can do to ease the pain (and please the Lady in the Mirror).

 

I read a wonderful book a while back, Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson, PhD and Richard Mendius, MD.  It talks about the neuroscience of how our brain functions, yet makes a clear delineation that the mind functions separately, and that to change one, you must change the other (and how to do it).  So what does that have to do with all this?  Well, I’m all about easing the pain of any difficult situation, and facing the reality that I am fluffy hurts!!!!  So, while I do not believe in diet fads and quick fixes I do believe that I can change my brain and my mind and transcend into healthy living again.