Little White Lie

I am corpulent. Yes, corpulent. That sounds so much more elegant than fat and much less sharp than obese. She was a corpulent woman, which made her circumstances all the more intriguing. That is so much more appealing than—she was a fat woman, which made her circumstances all the more intriguing.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to glorify or justify being (deep breath)…..OK, fat. (How I hate that word!) But there is a point to it. I don’t like being fat, but I can deal with being corpulent. Sorta like one of the little white lies we tell ourselves everyday. Corpulent makes me feel, well, more acceptable than fat. I know that my physical image does not make me who I am. But when the world at large looks at me, they define me first and foremost as fat, obese, big, plump, hefty, large and just plain old gross. I remember seeing a dear friend of mine several years ago. We hadn’t seen each other in over 25 years. His embrace was sweet, but his body language and fleeting look of disgust said it all. I guess for me that was the first of many revelations to the fact that I had been in total denial for years over my weight.

So how did I get here, morbidly obese, unable to walk a mile or two without feeling like I am going to keel over and died? How did this happen to me!? Me, the girl that once said, as she looked at picture of her once modeless cousin, who was now disgustingly FAT, “I will NEVER, ever let that happen to me!” How!?

I know I said that I would be addressing excuses today. But, I’m just not ready to do that. Maybe that in itself is an excuse. That would mean that I have to be honest with myself. I have been being honest here all along—but I’m just not ready to be that honest tonight. So now, not only am I corpulent, I am petulant. Yes, I am very annoyed at myself for still not wanting to deal with all of this. The best I can hope for tonight is to be satisfied with a glass of water and a half an apple and NOT give into the urge to answer the alluring call of those left over Lays chips.

Next Post: Will attempt excuses again