OK, I promised I would post today, so guess I better get it in gear! I have been busy trying to get into the new routine of daily exercise and healthy food choices among all the other things life brings my way. The past few days have been great, until last night. Wham! Those lovely hormones hit me like a sledge hammer! All I can say is where’s the klenex and stay the *&%# away form me! Yep, I am putting hormones on my list of things to avoid! They are also going on my list of things to conquer.
This brings me to my thoughts about sabotage. There are so many things in our lives that get in the way of us succeeding; it’s sometimes hard to believe we can accomplish anything at all some days. And for me, it seems lately that, all my energy is either going into exercising or fighting the obstacles that are endlessly trying to trip me up. Just like those darn pop-up boxes on the computer when you stumble onto a bad website you have to deal with each and every one of them before you can move on.
So here are some of the bumps (aka mountains) and crevasses that threaten to sabotage my success and how I am dealing with them.
First and foremost is that nagging voice inside my head. The one that tells me that I’m not going to succeed might as well eat the Lays chips, or that no one will know if I only do 9 reps instead of 10… You know that little voice that seems to never shut up. Well, I’m on my way to permanently silencing that little negative imp! I have been changing my mind set. Instead of giving in I am fighting back. I’m turning that negative self talk off. When I hear myself being negative I am saying, OUT LOUD mind you, STOP! I take a breath and put a twist on it and turn it into a positive statement. For example, instead of saying, “OMG I’ve got three minutes left, I’m never gonna make it,” I say, “Wow, I’ve already done 7 minutes, just a few more left, yippee!” It’s making a big difference!
Then there’s the well intentioned friends and family. The one’s, who with all their heart, really do care about you, but they say things like, don’t you think you’re over doing it, or I made it (some yummy high caloric food) just for you. Or, wait, here are two of my favorites: “Haven’t you tried this before and it didn’t go so well?” and the big one—“How long you gonna try doing this (as they roll their eyes) this time?” Well, I’ve told them that I am listening to my body and that my body is telling me it is happy with the new routine. I thank them for their forbidden treat and explain to them that while I appreciate their effort in pleasing me, that I am on a journey to improve my health and that’s not on the itinerary. And lastly as far as the big two—I get a bit cynical, roll my eyes right back at them and tell them that I am doing this for a lifetime and they're welcome to join me anytime!
The pain! The delayed onset muscle pain of exercise that is plaguing me this very moment and that threatens to thwart me in the future obstacle. Let me tell you, that one talks LOUD AND CLEAR! But, I have been taking a deep breath (and lots of hot baths) and working through it. I am finding the more I move the less I hurt!
And lastly for you ladies out there…the hormone thing. I just keep telling myself “…and this to shall pass!” That along with klenex and a small handful of semisweet dark chocolate chips savored one at a time has worked pretty well.
It all comes down to negotiating the booby-traps. And in the end when it comes full circle all we can do is make the best choice at any given moment and own up to those decisions.
.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Right Where I Want Her
I just got outta of the shower--was sticky icky from my work out at the gym. Anyway, I took a look in the mirror and guess what? The lady in the mirror was looking back and smiling. She was shaking her head in amazement and I herd her murmur, "Who is that lady out there!?" Yep, I got her right where I want her.
Frankl's Wisdom
When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves.
-V. Frankl (March 26, 1905-September 02, 1997, Vienna)
Dr. Viktor E. Frankl is one of my all time heroes. He had a very successful neurology and psychiatric practice in Vienna during the World War II era until he was arrested and imprisoned for being a Jew. He survived three years in German concentration camps, including Auschwitz. He, as well as millions, suffered inconceivable horrors; yet the lucky ones that came out alive endured. Somehow when there was no hope they found hope and it’s because they had the attitude reflected in Dr. Frankl’s quote above.
One of the other profound things this man said was, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
This brings me to my own recent changes and reflections. In the past several weeks I have begun, finally, for the first real time in my life, to embraced change and own up to my past as well as current choices. It hasn’t been easy, nor do I expect it to be in the future. With that said, I am still amazed at how easily I am currently able to assimilate the changes in lifestyle and attitude I have been making.
Case in point (or several at that) I have eaten those nasty green things called vegetables in the past few days and liked them—or at least not gagged on them. I have been regularly participating in exercise—walking, did the gym today, (going back tomorrow) and all this whole heartily! (Was able to find an inexpensive local gym). I have even started to tackle those things in life that we sometimes avoid—getting my finances in order, developing a do-able budget and sticking to it, doing household chores that are long overdo and working on making positive changes in my relationships with my family and friends.
I ask myself, how did this happen? And though I am not sure, I believe it is because I have stopped fighting myself, stopped lying to myself and begun to take the long overdo responsibility for all MY choices. It is not my husband, my kids, the dogs, the lady standing in front of me at the store that irritate me or make me laugh. It is me who decides how and what I feel and more importantly how I react to that stimulus. If you’re a crazy ass driver that’s your problem (hope you don’t get in an accident). But instead of me getting all stressed out and shaking my fist at you, I can chose to go around you or change lanes or… When my muscles are screaming at me because they hurt, I could whine and just quit the exercise thing. Or, I can recognize that my body is telling me one of two things--slow down I've had enough or that it's telling me it is getting healthy, it is transforming. When the kids are bickering like kids sometimes do and increasing the household stress level, or when the past due notice arrives, or when I feel unhappy because something didn’t go my way, I can chose not to eat those Lays chips, but instead go for a walk, fold some laundry…be thankful I have kids, that I have a job…
I know and finally understand and EMBRACE that with or without the support of love ones and even complete strangers, that my reactions, my attitudes, are what I chose them to be. And if I chose to eat those chips or that brownie or if I can’t pay the entire cable bill that I have not failed. I can take a deep breath and try to improve on my short comings and be joyous that there was a brownie to be had.
I will close with this final quote from Dr. Frankl, “Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible and of changing himself for the better if necessary.”
I am doing what I can for the world and I AM changing myself for the better because it is necessary. It is my choice.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Reason, Season and Lifetime
I know this poem/essay has been floating around for some time now. However, in the last few days it really has come to light for me as I have reconnected with people I haven't heard from in years, as well as the new friendships I am developing. It just really hit home with me and I'd like to share it with those that haven't read it and provide a reminder for those who have. Lastly thanks to all for your kind words and caring support!
Reason, Season and Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
~Author Unknown
Reason, Season and Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
~Author Unknown
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Do You Think You're Sexy?
The other day I was chatting with a friend that I met on line (great gal!). Anyway she too has a weight issue. She said that she may be fat, but she’s hot and feels that’s all that matters. She went on further to say, that despite her rolls, she still feels sexy and that one of her goals for weight loss was to fit in cuter clothes because cuter clothes are smaller. Then she asked if I was sexy and I told her no, that I was just fat and fugly. She asked that I send her a picture of me, so I sent a head shot (not ready to be showing the rest!) And she wanted to know why I didn’t think I was sexy. I came up with all sorts of reasons—ummm, cuz I’m fat, I have raccoon eyes, I have wings…. Oh, I could go on. But than she said, while she would like to be thinner, it didn’t much matter, because thinner or fatter, she’s still sexy inside and out. Wow! To be that comfortable with one self!
She made me start thinking, start really facing the bitter truth about what makes me me. Now, I know that I said this in an earlier post—that I know that my physical image does not make me who I am; but when the world at large looks at me, they define me first and foremost as fat, obese, big, plump, hefty, large and just plain old gross….But I guess in reality I define myself that way too, even though I know better. I think it's because I feel that way. I also know that on days when I feel good about life in general I tend to stand straighter, smile more, push my boobs out, walk more with more confidence… Could this be the inner sexiness of me sneaking out!
All of this lead me to having a mirror-fest with the Lady in the Mirror that taunts me. I stared really hard, she stared back. But I did take a hard look—made her squirm!. She has nice eyes, though dark, but makeup fixes that. Nice hair, cute nose, symmetric ears. Little lower now—ummm… those wings have a bit of shape to them—maybe not hopeless. The breasts, wow still a bit of perk there. Whoa, wait a minute! The waist and the hips actually have some girlish shape—haven’t seen that in a long while. Hey, I could be a renaissance woman! Back in the day they were the hotties!
Know what I did next!? Brushed my hair, put on a little make up, pulled on a tank top and came out of that bathroom feeling like a sexy diva! I did some dishes standing tall, smiling, bit flirty with the hubby. I finished up, then walked confidently into the living room (past my honey), curled up in the corner of my beloved sofa, still sitting tall and struttin’ my stuff—yep, I’m sexy. Next thing I know my dear husband comes in the room and says, “You look nice today.” OMG I am a sexy goddess!
When I got up this morning, I was a bit grumpy (I am NOT a morning person), but…I took a deep breath and low and behold I was sexy! So thank you my friend for helping me realize that even as a fluffy gal I AM STILL SEXY! And in the next few months—watch out, cuz it’s gonna be move on over Bo Derrick, Rachel Welch and Emmanuelle Chriqui!!!
She made me start thinking, start really facing the bitter truth about what makes me me. Now, I know that I said this in an earlier post—that I know that my physical image does not make me who I am; but when the world at large looks at me, they define me first and foremost as fat, obese, big, plump, hefty, large and just plain old gross….But I guess in reality I define myself that way too, even though I know better. I think it's because I feel that way. I also know that on days when I feel good about life in general I tend to stand straighter, smile more, push my boobs out, walk more with more confidence… Could this be the inner sexiness of me sneaking out!
All of this lead me to having a mirror-fest with the Lady in the Mirror that taunts me. I stared really hard, she stared back. But I did take a hard look—made her squirm!. She has nice eyes, though dark, but makeup fixes that. Nice hair, cute nose, symmetric ears. Little lower now—ummm… those wings have a bit of shape to them—maybe not hopeless. The breasts, wow still a bit of perk there. Whoa, wait a minute! The waist and the hips actually have some girlish shape—haven’t seen that in a long while. Hey, I could be a renaissance woman! Back in the day they were the hotties!
Know what I did next!? Brushed my hair, put on a little make up, pulled on a tank top and came out of that bathroom feeling like a sexy diva! I did some dishes standing tall, smiling, bit flirty with the hubby. I finished up, then walked confidently into the living room (past my honey), curled up in the corner of my beloved sofa, still sitting tall and struttin’ my stuff—yep, I’m sexy. Next thing I know my dear husband comes in the room and says, “You look nice today.” OMG I am a sexy goddess!
When I got up this morning, I was a bit grumpy (I am NOT a morning person), but…I took a deep breath and low and behold I was sexy! So thank you my friend for helping me realize that even as a fluffy gal I AM STILL SEXY! And in the next few months—watch out, cuz it’s gonna be move on over Bo Derrick, Rachel Welch and Emmanuelle Chriqui!!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Circumstance Demon
I have attempted to write this piece several times in the past few days and not sure what the problem is as to why I can’t get a lucid thought out. Maybe it has to do with facing those demons and cutting through the little white lies I tell myself just so I can get through a day. Maybe it’s because I am still a bit under the weather… Not sure. But do know, that no matter where this post ends up taking me I will publish it today—just forgive me if it is random and all over the place.
I was going to write about the evils of corn and high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), but that is all old news. And while these compounds play a major roll in why I, and maybe even you are fat there are plenty of other demons out there that contribute to today’s obesity epidemic. And there are some specific demons that I must concur myself!
So I guess I want to start to explore some of my own demons. The thing is those demons, like just about everything else get tangled into the nasty web that makes up my excuses, my half truths and my blatant lies to myself. So I am hopeful that I can weed some of them out!
First are my circumstances. I chose circumstances because they have a lot to do with my weight issues (and my life issues for that matter). They influence my choices, my motivation, my successes and my failures.
So, what’s so bad about my circumstances? Well, I’m not so sure, other than I am not where I want to be. There are plenty of people out there that are in worse situations—but for the time being I am focusing in on my self preservation—OK, I’m an only child and a little selfish sometimes—sorry! Anyway, with the state of our economy and my personal finances it’s quite difficult to afford the healthier foods, the more natural foods. I don’t usually shop, but I went the other day and I saw these really nice oranges. I picked out 10 of them and put them in the cart. My daughter looked in the cart and said, “Mom! That’s like $10 worth of oranges!” Guess I misread the sign. I thought it said 99 cents a pound, not 99 cents a piece! That’s just ridiculous! So I got two. Doesn’t go far in a family of four! OK, so let’s try some chicken(grrr, but I can tolerate chicken)—whole chickens and legs and thighs were $2.99 a pound, breast were $3.49 a pound and ground beef was $1.09—I can get twice the meat if I get the cheep stuff! Ummm…but it’s also not as healthy! Needless to say, my anxiety took over and I put the stuff in my cart back and went home. No, my family didn’t starve—my husband went back and did the weekly shopping, as he has done the past 18 years.
So what else about my circumstances? Will, I can’t do a gym or fitness center, not that I need too, but it would make exercising more interesting and pleasurable. Oh, my, I just had a really big ah-ha moment! Fitness center, exercise….I have just been lying to myself about why I don’t exercise. I don’t need a gym—I just need to get off my ass and move, any which way! Go for a walk, take out the garbage, go get the mail, go up and down my stairs to do my own laundry and not send the kids—just go up and down the stair period, for no reason! Oh, got another one—use the elliptical that’s buried in the corner! Amazing how we lie to ourselves.
Ummm…guess what I’m gonna do tomorrow! Is a bit late to do it tonight—and that is NOT an excuse! A while ago, I decided I would do my elliptical a couple times a day—only because at the time I could only do a few minutes at a time. So, one day life got crazy and I didn’t do it. Later that night, I told myself I had to keep up with my plan so I jumped on. I did 15 minutes, no resting….got off the elliptical, sweaty as all get out, but I felt GREAT! I accomplished my daily goal! Problem was, I was pumped! Could not sleep for the life of me!!! Made a rule—exercise needs to be done before 7pm if I want to sleep! So anyway, tomorrow, I am going to do my elliptical, several times if need be to make 30 minutes—but I’m gonna do it! No excuses! My excuse today for not walking was it was too hot! And that it was and it still is at this late hour. But, as I am in my ah-ha mode right now—that’s no excuse. I can chose something else no matter what the circumstance!
I was going to write about the evils of corn and high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), but that is all old news. And while these compounds play a major roll in why I, and maybe even you are fat there are plenty of other demons out there that contribute to today’s obesity epidemic. And there are some specific demons that I must concur myself!
So I guess I want to start to explore some of my own demons. The thing is those demons, like just about everything else get tangled into the nasty web that makes up my excuses, my half truths and my blatant lies to myself. So I am hopeful that I can weed some of them out!
First are my circumstances. I chose circumstances because they have a lot to do with my weight issues (and my life issues for that matter). They influence my choices, my motivation, my successes and my failures.
So, what’s so bad about my circumstances? Well, I’m not so sure, other than I am not where I want to be. There are plenty of people out there that are in worse situations—but for the time being I am focusing in on my self preservation—OK, I’m an only child and a little selfish sometimes—sorry! Anyway, with the state of our economy and my personal finances it’s quite difficult to afford the healthier foods, the more natural foods. I don’t usually shop, but I went the other day and I saw these really nice oranges. I picked out 10 of them and put them in the cart. My daughter looked in the cart and said, “Mom! That’s like $10 worth of oranges!” Guess I misread the sign. I thought it said 99 cents a pound, not 99 cents a piece! That’s just ridiculous! So I got two. Doesn’t go far in a family of four! OK, so let’s try some chicken(grrr, but I can tolerate chicken)—whole chickens and legs and thighs were $2.99 a pound, breast were $3.49 a pound and ground beef was $1.09—I can get twice the meat if I get the cheep stuff! Ummm…but it’s also not as healthy! Needless to say, my anxiety took over and I put the stuff in my cart back and went home. No, my family didn’t starve—my husband went back and did the weekly shopping, as he has done the past 18 years.
So what else about my circumstances? Will, I can’t do a gym or fitness center, not that I need too, but it would make exercising more interesting and pleasurable. Oh, my, I just had a really big ah-ha moment! Fitness center, exercise….I have just been lying to myself about why I don’t exercise. I don’t need a gym—I just need to get off my ass and move, any which way! Go for a walk, take out the garbage, go get the mail, go up and down my stairs to do my own laundry and not send the kids—just go up and down the stair period, for no reason! Oh, got another one—use the elliptical that’s buried in the corner! Amazing how we lie to ourselves.
Ummm…guess what I’m gonna do tomorrow! Is a bit late to do it tonight—and that is NOT an excuse! A while ago, I decided I would do my elliptical a couple times a day—only because at the time I could only do a few minutes at a time. So, one day life got crazy and I didn’t do it. Later that night, I told myself I had to keep up with my plan so I jumped on. I did 15 minutes, no resting….got off the elliptical, sweaty as all get out, but I felt GREAT! I accomplished my daily goal! Problem was, I was pumped! Could not sleep for the life of me!!! Made a rule—exercise needs to be done before 7pm if I want to sleep! So anyway, tomorrow, I am going to do my elliptical, several times if need be to make 30 minutes—but I’m gonna do it! No excuses! My excuse today for not walking was it was too hot! And that it was and it still is at this late hour. But, as I am in my ah-ha mode right now—that’s no excuse. I can chose something else no matter what the circumstance!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Derailed--Momentarily!
Well, it's been almost a week since I have been here. And I do have a VERY legitimate excuse! I got derailed by a nasty bout of pneumonia. Am starting to feel human again--or at least having human moments here and there. So, have not exercised. Heck, haven't done much of anything but sleep for the last week! I wonder if excessive coughing counts as exercise? If it does, then I have done a marathon of abdominal works outs!!! One great thing about all this is I have quit smoking! Really!!! And I have no desire to ever smoke again. There have been a few fleeting moments where maybe I've wanted to, but then I start coughing and the thought goes away. I am cheating and using nicotine patches, but that's OK! And as I start to feel better, I have decided that if and when the urge hits me, I will stand up and do jumping jacks or something active until the urge leaves! I am hopeful that tomorrow I can do a short walk or two without losing a lung....
Next Post: Chasing Demons
Next Post: Chasing Demons
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Excuses
How many times in a single day do we come up with an excuse for one thing or another? I was going to write about my excuses for not exercising, for not eating right, for being fat … But as I sit here contemplating the whys of all of this I find that some of my excuses are more like half truths. I also find that my excuses and half truths all intertwine with each other making it that much more complicated to explain. Lastly, I find that some of my excuses and half truths are just blatant lies I tell myself. (And I thought this was going to be easy!)
Excuse/Half Truth #1: I don’t exercise because it hurts.
That’s a valid excuse, right? For self preservation we want to avoid pain. So it is a truth, right? The only answer I can come up with is yes and no. So I have to dig deeper into my motivation, or lack there of, of avoiding exercise. Point—it hurts! But why does it hurt? Because according to the plethora of weight and BMI (body mass index) scales my current weight of 223 pounds puts me 73-109 pounds over weight and my BMI of 37.1 should be 18.5-24.9. It hurts, physically and emotionally. Every minute of every day I am carrying around what amounts to two 50 pound bags of dry dog food or an average sized 13 year old kid! So yeah, it’s gonna hurt to do much more that get through a normal day, doing the bear minimum of what I need to do—go to the bathroom, let the dogs outs, tread down the stairs to do laundry, stand and do dishes or cook. That stuff is hard enough—then add exercise to it! Ummmm….ouch!
Excuse/Half Truth #2: I just don’t have the time!
Ummm…for me, right now, that’s an out and out LIE! I’m at home, on medical leave, but cleared to do whatever I want except lift anything over 10 pounds. I fill my days with watching TV, playing stupid computer games and surfing the net—basically sitting on my ass. In between that, I nap. Yet I tell myself everyday that I don’t have time. And when life was normal—when I was working, I’d tell myself the same thing. But, what did I do that took all my time on a daily basis? Got up 15 minutes before leaving for work, work, come home and, ummm…watch TV, play stupid computer games and surf the net and oh, let’s not forget the nap before dinner. Lie!
Excuse/Half Truth #3: I don’t eat right because it’s too expensive.
This is very much a twisted mess. It IS expensive to buy healthy food. Fresh fruits and veggies cost a lot. A 2 liter bottle of soda costs a third of what half gallon of orange juice does, and hey, kool aid is even cheaper than the soda. But, if I (or my husband, as he does the shopping—long story, but I freak out in the grocery store!) would forgo buying chips and sugary cereal, meat….I could afford to eat healthier. Ugh!
Excuse/Half Truth #4: I don’t have time to cook healthy.
Well, we pretty much covered that already.
Excuse/Half Truth #5: I’m a picky eater!
This is a mixed bag of worms! Truly I am a picky eater. I’m not much for vegetables. Sort of a plain Jane type of gal. I like green beans and peas, lettuce, cucumber, radish and carrots and cabbage (both raw!) That’s about it for the green stuff. I am a beef girl (more ways than one—LOL). Chicken, I can sometimes tolerate. As far as fish and pork go (well, except bacon and ham) ah… no thank you, I’d rather go hungry. I do like beans and nuts. Fruits…another plain Jane on those—apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, plums, peaches, cantaloupe…strawberries and raspberries I can do. But that’s about it. Oh, regular type potatoes, onion and raw turnip. Yep that sums it all up. God forbid, you mix any of that stuff, except for the salad fixings those can touch each other. I do quite well, thank you with divided plates!
Excuse/Half Truth #6: I am fat because of Excuse/Half Truth’s 1-5
Now this is a very loaded statement! It has a lot of truth behind it! I AM fat (ugh, that word again) because I don’t exercise, I eat poorly and I don’t make the time to do what’s the right thing to do. However, this statement is also ONE BIG EXCUSE! It is an excuse because I chose to behave in the manor that I do. I chose to sit in front of the computer. I chose not to try new foods. I chose prepackaged or processed foods over fresh. I chose to ignore what I see in the mirror. I chose not to do what I KNOW must do!!!
So, now what? I guess it’s time to truly start fighting the demons, confront the Lady in the Mirror and make us both face reality and force ourselves to make those hard decisions.
Excuse/Half Truth #1: I don’t exercise because it hurts.
That’s a valid excuse, right? For self preservation we want to avoid pain. So it is a truth, right? The only answer I can come up with is yes and no. So I have to dig deeper into my motivation, or lack there of, of avoiding exercise. Point—it hurts! But why does it hurt? Because according to the plethora of weight and BMI (body mass index) scales my current weight of 223 pounds puts me 73-109 pounds over weight and my BMI of 37.1 should be 18.5-24.9. It hurts, physically and emotionally. Every minute of every day I am carrying around what amounts to two 50 pound bags of dry dog food or an average sized 13 year old kid! So yeah, it’s gonna hurt to do much more that get through a normal day, doing the bear minimum of what I need to do—go to the bathroom, let the dogs outs, tread down the stairs to do laundry, stand and do dishes or cook. That stuff is hard enough—then add exercise to it! Ummmm….ouch!
Excuse/Half Truth #2: I just don’t have the time!
Ummm…for me, right now, that’s an out and out LIE! I’m at home, on medical leave, but cleared to do whatever I want except lift anything over 10 pounds. I fill my days with watching TV, playing stupid computer games and surfing the net—basically sitting on my ass. In between that, I nap. Yet I tell myself everyday that I don’t have time. And when life was normal—when I was working, I’d tell myself the same thing. But, what did I do that took all my time on a daily basis? Got up 15 minutes before leaving for work, work, come home and, ummm…watch TV, play stupid computer games and surf the net and oh, let’s not forget the nap before dinner. Lie!
Excuse/Half Truth #3: I don’t eat right because it’s too expensive.
This is very much a twisted mess. It IS expensive to buy healthy food. Fresh fruits and veggies cost a lot. A 2 liter bottle of soda costs a third of what half gallon of orange juice does, and hey, kool aid is even cheaper than the soda. But, if I (or my husband, as he does the shopping—long story, but I freak out in the grocery store!) would forgo buying chips and sugary cereal, meat….I could afford to eat healthier. Ugh!
Excuse/Half Truth #4: I don’t have time to cook healthy.
Well, we pretty much covered that already.
Excuse/Half Truth #5: I’m a picky eater!
This is a mixed bag of worms! Truly I am a picky eater. I’m not much for vegetables. Sort of a plain Jane type of gal. I like green beans and peas, lettuce, cucumber, radish and carrots and cabbage (both raw!) That’s about it for the green stuff. I am a beef girl (more ways than one—LOL). Chicken, I can sometimes tolerate. As far as fish and pork go (well, except bacon and ham) ah… no thank you, I’d rather go hungry. I do like beans and nuts. Fruits…another plain Jane on those—apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, plums, peaches, cantaloupe…strawberries and raspberries I can do. But that’s about it. Oh, regular type potatoes, onion and raw turnip. Yep that sums it all up. God forbid, you mix any of that stuff, except for the salad fixings those can touch each other. I do quite well, thank you with divided plates!
Excuse/Half Truth #6: I am fat because of Excuse/Half Truth’s 1-5
Now this is a very loaded statement! It has a lot of truth behind it! I AM fat (ugh, that word again) because I don’t exercise, I eat poorly and I don’t make the time to do what’s the right thing to do. However, this statement is also ONE BIG EXCUSE! It is an excuse because I chose to behave in the manor that I do. I chose to sit in front of the computer. I chose not to try new foods. I chose prepackaged or processed foods over fresh. I chose to ignore what I see in the mirror. I chose not to do what I KNOW must do!!!
So, now what? I guess it’s time to truly start fighting the demons, confront the Lady in the Mirror and make us both face reality and force ourselves to make those hard decisions.
Thanks Mom
Just a quickie...numbers issue resolved. Will sort of. I'm still a lousy low number and not a responsible, caring human being in need--well at according to the bank. But anyway...thanks Mom, for coming through for me yet again. Sure am glad you are a high numbered individual!!! Sure wish you could report to the credit bureau!
PS: Got through this tragedy with only a half scoop orange sorbet!
PS: Got through this tragedy with only a half scoop orange sorbet!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Crankankerous
Totally off subject today. I am feeling quite cantankerous over life itself today, and that’s just putting it politely. Right now everything just sucks. I know that it is bad for a lot of you out there and that some of you probably are even in a more desperate situation than I am at this point. But by basic human nature, it doesn’t matter. What matters to my survival are my flipping issues. Sorry to be so cranky here folks, but I am at my wits end today.
Why is it that the people that need help the most can’t get any and the people that have everything keep getting more? Why is it that our worth and our potential are measured by a number on a page instead of looking at our character and our unique situations? Why can’t they just listen and then connect the dots?
Let me fill in some blanks here. I am the sole income earner for my family and I make a decent wage, more than most. My husband has some medical issues that prevents him from working. And because we didn’t know the system we waited too long so he can’t get disability payments. I lost my job last year in July and was on unemployment for 8 months until I found my current job. We did OK at first, getting the bills paid and putting food on the table. By January I started to fall behind. I sucked it up and went down to the food stamp office where we were denied because my unemployment check was $50 over the cut off line. Never mind that every penny of my unemployment went to pay the mortgage and the utilities. Still we got by, cutting out more and more. Though, mind you, we are not an extravagant family. We pay everything by cash. If there is any left over then maybe the kids can go to the show or bowling. We live within our means 99% of the time.
I was able to find a new job this past March, part time, no benefits; but a job at a very good rate of pay. Life was good again, we were getting caught up. Then, some health problems that I have had for a while came to a head and I ended up having to have surgery. Was accepted into a program at one of the local hospitals that covered me at 100%, thank goodness! Problem was, I had no more savings, nothing to get us through for six to eight weeks. But bless my mom, she has helped us out the whole way—she paid all of my bills during this period. But there’s no more money. I went to the doctor this past Friday, eager to be released to return to work. Well…that didn’t happen, four more weeks of no lifting, which translates into no work in my field and no paycheck for another six weeks. The HR gal was great, hooked me up with a bank that should be able to help us out with a short term loan to get us through until I return to work. She even sent over a recommendation for me. I had hope!
Well today, I got the call back from that bank, who denied my loan even if I have a co-signer, because my credit score is too low. “Yes, ma’am, I can see that prior to the last year you had good credit. But what we have to look at is the here and now.” He explained that because of my credit score, my low number, they can’t help me, bank policy you know. Never mind that your past history is good and your current situation is in the gutter. “We have to look at the number.”
So as of today, my life has been trivialized and squashed by a number.
Why is it that the people that need help the most can’t get any and the people that have everything keep getting more? Why is it that our worth and our potential are measured by a number on a page instead of looking at our character and our unique situations? Why can’t they just listen and then connect the dots?
Let me fill in some blanks here. I am the sole income earner for my family and I make a decent wage, more than most. My husband has some medical issues that prevents him from working. And because we didn’t know the system we waited too long so he can’t get disability payments. I lost my job last year in July and was on unemployment for 8 months until I found my current job. We did OK at first, getting the bills paid and putting food on the table. By January I started to fall behind. I sucked it up and went down to the food stamp office where we were denied because my unemployment check was $50 over the cut off line. Never mind that every penny of my unemployment went to pay the mortgage and the utilities. Still we got by, cutting out more and more. Though, mind you, we are not an extravagant family. We pay everything by cash. If there is any left over then maybe the kids can go to the show or bowling. We live within our means 99% of the time.
I was able to find a new job this past March, part time, no benefits; but a job at a very good rate of pay. Life was good again, we were getting caught up. Then, some health problems that I have had for a while came to a head and I ended up having to have surgery. Was accepted into a program at one of the local hospitals that covered me at 100%, thank goodness! Problem was, I had no more savings, nothing to get us through for six to eight weeks. But bless my mom, she has helped us out the whole way—she paid all of my bills during this period. But there’s no more money. I went to the doctor this past Friday, eager to be released to return to work. Well…that didn’t happen, four more weeks of no lifting, which translates into no work in my field and no paycheck for another six weeks. The HR gal was great, hooked me up with a bank that should be able to help us out with a short term loan to get us through until I return to work. She even sent over a recommendation for me. I had hope!
Well today, I got the call back from that bank, who denied my loan even if I have a co-signer, because my credit score is too low. “Yes, ma’am, I can see that prior to the last year you had good credit. But what we have to look at is the here and now.” He explained that because of my credit score, my low number, they can’t help me, bank policy you know. Never mind that your past history is good and your current situation is in the gutter. “We have to look at the number.”
So as of today, my life has been trivialized and squashed by a number.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Little White Lie
I am corpulent. Yes, corpulent. That sounds so much more elegant than fat and much less sharp than obese. She was a corpulent woman, which made her circumstances all the more intriguing. That is so much more appealing than—she was a fat woman, which made her circumstances all the more intriguing.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to glorify or justify being (deep breath)…..OK, fat. (How I hate that word!) But there is a point to it. I don’t like being fat, but I can deal with being corpulent. Sorta like one of the little white lies we tell ourselves everyday. Corpulent makes me feel, well, more acceptable than fat. I know that my physical image does not make me who I am. But when the world at large looks at me, they define me first and foremost as fat, obese, big, plump, hefty, large and just plain old gross. I remember seeing a dear friend of mine several years ago. We hadn’t seen each other in over 25 years. His embrace was sweet, but his body language and fleeting look of disgust said it all. I guess for me that was the first of many revelations to the fact that I had been in total denial for years over my weight.
So how did I get here, morbidly obese, unable to walk a mile or two without feeling like I am going to keel over and died? How did this happen to me!? Me, the girl that once said, as she looked at picture of her once modeless cousin, who was now disgustingly FAT, “I will NEVER, ever let that happen to me!” How!?
I know I said that I would be addressing excuses today. But, I’m just not ready to do that. Maybe that in itself is an excuse. That would mean that I have to be honest with myself. I have been being honest here all along—but I’m just not ready to be that honest tonight. So now, not only am I corpulent, I am petulant. Yes, I am very annoyed at myself for still not wanting to deal with all of this. The best I can hope for tonight is to be satisfied with a glass of water and a half an apple and NOT give into the urge to answer the alluring call of those left over Lays chips.
Next Post: Will attempt excuses again
Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to glorify or justify being (deep breath)…..OK, fat. (How I hate that word!) But there is a point to it. I don’t like being fat, but I can deal with being corpulent. Sorta like one of the little white lies we tell ourselves everyday. Corpulent makes me feel, well, more acceptable than fat. I know that my physical image does not make me who I am. But when the world at large looks at me, they define me first and foremost as fat, obese, big, plump, hefty, large and just plain old gross. I remember seeing a dear friend of mine several years ago. We hadn’t seen each other in over 25 years. His embrace was sweet, but his body language and fleeting look of disgust said it all. I guess for me that was the first of many revelations to the fact that I had been in total denial for years over my weight.
So how did I get here, morbidly obese, unable to walk a mile or two without feeling like I am going to keel over and died? How did this happen to me!? Me, the girl that once said, as she looked at picture of her once modeless cousin, who was now disgustingly FAT, “I will NEVER, ever let that happen to me!” How!?
I know I said that I would be addressing excuses today. But, I’m just not ready to do that. Maybe that in itself is an excuse. That would mean that I have to be honest with myself. I have been being honest here all along—but I’m just not ready to be that honest tonight. So now, not only am I corpulent, I am petulant. Yes, I am very annoyed at myself for still not wanting to deal with all of this. The best I can hope for tonight is to be satisfied with a glass of water and a half an apple and NOT give into the urge to answer the alluring call of those left over Lays chips.
Next Post: Will attempt excuses again
Confessions of an Obese Lady, Part 1 of ???
OMG, let me start with my daughter is trying to kill me! And I truly love her for it! Today made the second "serious" walk that I have done in a long, long while. By the time we got home my legs were like rubber and burned so bad I didn't think I would even make it to my beloved sofa. We went yesterday, Saturday for the first time. My sweet daughter woke me up and dragged my butt out of bed at 7:30 in the morning! I was quite content to start with about a half mile, but my daughter had other ideas. She pushed me along, gently, with loving encouragement---"Come on mom...you can go farther...faster... no you ARE NOT stopping here...quit being a baby...OMG just do it...MOM...see told ya so...!"
We went about 2 miles. I survived, though how I am not sure. I had to make little goals along the entire route--OK, get to that tree line...now get to the end of that corn row... get to the mail box...next is the irrigation arm...three more steps...oh, my beloved sofa. We had planned on going again this morning, but my dear husband surprised us with french toast. My mind and my body were both quite elated when my daughter announced she was going to fore go our morning walk. Thank goodness! But low and behold, once it cooled down in the evening she was nagging me again. Reluctantly, I put on my shoes, got the dog's collar and begrudgingly plodded down the road.... But I did it!!!
Now, let me back up a bit here. A little background might be helpful. I am a 48 years old, perimenopausal woman who is 5 feet 5 inches tall and weigh ...(I can't believe I am doing this)... 223 pounds as of July 9, 2010. Oh, and on top of all that I am a physical therapist, so I should know better. Wow, a picture of health, I think not. To my credit though, last year at this time I was 256 or so pounds--the heaviest I have ever been. And discouragingly, I have put on 5 pounds in the last 8 weeks. My excuse is that I had surgery and was on restricted activity. But that's just a partial truth...The rest of the story is I started drinking sweet tea and soda again and indulging in Lays potato chips. Oh, OK and sneaking chocolate cake batter as I lovingly make dessert for my family. Wow, got that one off my chest. Now if I can just actually pour all the batter into the pan and NOT lick the bowl clean.
Anyway, one day, when I was gazing at the Lady in the Mirror trying to figure out yet again who she is, I caught a glimpse of my not so petite body. It was scary when I took a long hard look. My goodness when did this happen!? The hell with when, HOW did this happen!?! And I have no real answers, not yet anyway. There was a day when I was thin, not skinny-skinny like the girls are today, but healthily thin, in the 120-130 range. I was athletic, active and ate pretty darn well by today's standards. Then things started to change, life started to change, I started to change.
Next post: Excuses and ???
We went about 2 miles. I survived, though how I am not sure. I had to make little goals along the entire route--OK, get to that tree line...now get to the end of that corn row... get to the mail box...next is the irrigation arm...three more steps...oh, my beloved sofa. We had planned on going again this morning, but my dear husband surprised us with french toast. My mind and my body were both quite elated when my daughter announced she was going to fore go our morning walk. Thank goodness! But low and behold, once it cooled down in the evening she was nagging me again. Reluctantly, I put on my shoes, got the dog's collar and begrudgingly plodded down the road.... But I did it!!!
Now, let me back up a bit here. A little background might be helpful. I am a 48 years old, perimenopausal woman who is 5 feet 5 inches tall and weigh ...(I can't believe I am doing this)... 223 pounds as of July 9, 2010. Oh, and on top of all that I am a physical therapist, so I should know better. Wow, a picture of health, I think not. To my credit though, last year at this time I was 256 or so pounds--the heaviest I have ever been. And discouragingly, I have put on 5 pounds in the last 8 weeks. My excuse is that I had surgery and was on restricted activity. But that's just a partial truth...The rest of the story is I started drinking sweet tea and soda again and indulging in Lays potato chips. Oh, OK and sneaking chocolate cake batter as I lovingly make dessert for my family. Wow, got that one off my chest. Now if I can just actually pour all the batter into the pan and NOT lick the bowl clean.
Anyway, one day, when I was gazing at the Lady in the Mirror trying to figure out yet again who she is, I caught a glimpse of my not so petite body. It was scary when I took a long hard look. My goodness when did this happen!? The hell with when, HOW did this happen!?! And I have no real answers, not yet anyway. There was a day when I was thin, not skinny-skinny like the girls are today, but healthily thin, in the 120-130 range. I was athletic, active and ate pretty darn well by today's standards. Then things started to change, life started to change, I started to change.
Next post: Excuses and ???
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Lady in the Mirror Beginnings
Ah, now that I am here, the question is where to begin? I guess anywhere will do. Basically I am a 48 year old woman, struggling with an assortment of life issues on a day to day basis. Probably not unlike a lot of you out there. My hope is to find a little insight, face some not so easy truths about my life and how I got to where I am right now, and perhaps, even more important for me, to find me again. I know I am not unique--well at least I hope I'm not--in this soul searching endeavor. We are all fighting our own demons--real or imagined.
You see, one day not so long ago, I stopped and took a long look at the lady in the mirror that was staring back at me. She really took me by surprise. There was a familiarity about her, yet at the same time she was a total stranger. I stared into her blue grey eyes, searching, trying to remember where I knew her from. I could see that this strange woman had a look of saddness and her own yearning for, for..something, I couldn't quite identify. It seemed the longer I looked at her, the more distraught and anxious I became. But you know what!? So did she. I could see that she too was uncomfortable and wondering about me. That brought a little mutual smile to both our faces. As a peered a little longer I saw that there were little glimmers of hope and flashes of happiness. As I walked away, I thought to myself that I really wanted to get to know who that lady in the mirror is.
You see, I seemed to have lost my way. I don't know why or when or even where I took that wrong turn and ended up, well.....lost. What happened to that carefree, active, happy, confident girl I used to be? When did I stop dreaming, stop doing the things in life that I enjoyed? And when the hell did I get fat and old!?
Oh, some of you out there may be saying--here we go again, just another middle aged woman having a mid life crisis. No, that's not what this is all about. I went through all that a few years ago (maybe more on that in a later post--who knows). What this is about, is facing the ugly truths that life sometimes throws our way, of finally being honest with ourselves instead of running away and making excuses and to stop blaming others for our poor choices. It's kinda like, if I expose my weakness, my fears, and hell, lets be honest here--face my own little white lies, make them all public, get them out of my head and out in the open that that will somehow, hopefully, help me (and maybe some of you along the way) to have to make the changes in my life that I must make in order to become healthier physically, emotionally and even spiritually.
So this is the beginnings of the journey of finding out who the lady in the mirror really is.
Next Post: Struggling with weight loss and....???
XCKNRFPV5DU8
You see, one day not so long ago, I stopped and took a long look at the lady in the mirror that was staring back at me. She really took me by surprise. There was a familiarity about her, yet at the same time she was a total stranger. I stared into her blue grey eyes, searching, trying to remember where I knew her from. I could see that this strange woman had a look of saddness and her own yearning for, for..something, I couldn't quite identify. It seemed the longer I looked at her, the more distraught and anxious I became. But you know what!? So did she. I could see that she too was uncomfortable and wondering about me. That brought a little mutual smile to both our faces. As a peered a little longer I saw that there were little glimmers of hope and flashes of happiness. As I walked away, I thought to myself that I really wanted to get to know who that lady in the mirror is.
You see, I seemed to have lost my way. I don't know why or when or even where I took that wrong turn and ended up, well.....lost. What happened to that carefree, active, happy, confident girl I used to be? When did I stop dreaming, stop doing the things in life that I enjoyed? And when the hell did I get fat and old!?
Oh, some of you out there may be saying--here we go again, just another middle aged woman having a mid life crisis. No, that's not what this is all about. I went through all that a few years ago (maybe more on that in a later post--who knows). What this is about, is facing the ugly truths that life sometimes throws our way, of finally being honest with ourselves instead of running away and making excuses and to stop blaming others for our poor choices. It's kinda like, if I expose my weakness, my fears, and hell, lets be honest here--face my own little white lies, make them all public, get them out of my head and out in the open that that will somehow, hopefully, help me (and maybe some of you along the way) to have to make the changes in my life that I must make in order to become healthier physically, emotionally and even spiritually.
So this is the beginnings of the journey of finding out who the lady in the mirror really is.
Next Post: Struggling with weight loss and....???
XCKNRFPV5DU8
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